Next time, the last time really will be the last time.
The astrology column is written by a computer program in Stoke.
‘Out of the mouths of babes’ doesn’t mean what people think it means.
Where there’s a will, there’s a dead body and a guilty-looking capybara.
For these questions: ellipsis, Smithsonian, South American dish.
If you wait long enough, everything will come back at the same time.
Where there’s smoke, there’s an ex-smoker bumming other people’s cigarettes.
Nothing is made in Middlesbrough but baked beans and disappointment.
‘Tit for tat’ doesn’t mean what some people think it means.
Where there’s hope, there’s a poet with an unpublished memoir.
Acid-wash denim is actually washed in spinsters’ tears and chlorine.
Never underestimate the speed of a hungry walrus.
You can’t hurry love (except at closing time in Doncaster).
Chipping Norton, crêpe paper, 57% of adult men.
Organized religion was invented as a stand-in for hot dogs.
When it’s over, you can pretend you never cared about it anyway.